Not Who We Were!

0:00 So the trouble is not with the law, for it is spiritual and good. The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin. I don't really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do what I hate. But if I know that what I am doing is wrong, this shows that I agree that the law is good. So I am not the one doing wrong. It is sin living in me that does it. And I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. I want to do what is right, but I can't. I want to do what is good, but I don't. I don't want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong. It is sin living in me that does it. I have discovered this principle of life, that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God's law with all my heart, but there is another power within me that is at war with my mind. This power makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. Oh, what a miserable person I am. Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin and death? Thank God the answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Bumper

1:47 Sticker Wisdom. I am John. I am Terry. Nice to have you again. I'm back. That may have been not a good idea. That was a long speech. That was long. That took me three tries to get through that. It's all right. We got it. We are through it. We did it. It's so hard because my mouth started watering. You need those little things that Pam uses to when she sings, those little black things. Those little vocal zone things? Yes. Yeah. But anyway, we will say a quick prayer and then get started. Heavenly Father, thank you for giving us this time and this opportunity. Father, we just want to lift up everybody who takes the opportunity or takes a chance on us today that we give them something today, Father God, that we have something that is ordained for them right now, for them to hear and then to go seek, Father God, because we know that what we seek we will find, Father. We also want to lift up and thank you for all of the women and men who have sacrificed their lives for us.

2:40 in the militaries father just ask that you help us to not continue to war against our brothers and sisters father god and help us to focus turn our focus to our common enemy which is the devil we love you father and we thank you and it's in jesus name we pray amen amen oh i gotta stop touching that thing stop touching it that's what's happening so uh this is a little bit of a strange the schedule all funky it's a monday morning This happens to be Memorial Day. And I worked last night, so I am not all focused. I am. It's weird because it's just in the morning. You know what I mean? That's not the routine here. You know, here it's usually, you know, in the evening time, kind of winding down the day. You've got a lot in your mind. You've had a lot to think about all day. Yeah. And today I really don't.

3:32 I'm just kind of starting the day, starting the engine cold, trying to get into it. You know, the reason that that scripture stood out to me. I have a question before you say that. Go ahead. How do you find your scriptures? Do they just come up or do you just, do you look them up or is it just something that you. The ones that I start the day with, show with. Usually it's something that I either read recently or something that's been going on. It's something I've been thinking about. I've been rereading Romans, which I. I've read Romans many times. Most people who listen to this show know that. It's my favorite book in the Bible. I knew that. I think it's the book that explains everything to me. But anyway, struggling with sin, we're so sin conscious, right? We're so aware of the things that we're...

4:25 doing wrong, but we don't want to outwardly express the things that we're doing wrong to people around us. We only want to outwardly express the ways that we're doing it right. Like, look at me. I serve in the church. Look at me. I'm praying. Look at me. I'm reading my Bible. You know what I mean? We talked about this last week and, you know, outwardly, honestly, like I'm broken, full of brokenness. And I, I continually do things that I know I'm not supposed to do. You know what I mean? It's funny you say that because I worked last night and And I cussed, and everybody's like, oh, you cussed? I was like, listen to me. Dudes, I work in a bar. Yes, I know that. I subber every once in a while. And they're like, I never thought you cussed. I was like, dudes, just because I go to church, I'm just like you. God was never, he was with the sinners. Which, I'm not saying y 'all are all sinners. I'm not saying that.

5:17 But it's like, I'm just human just like y 'all are, guys. I'm just like y 'all are. We're all broken and we're all living. I was never perfect either. I'm still not perfect. I'm still working on me. I'm still doing the things I need to be doing. The truth about grace is that it allows us the time and the opportunity to grow, right? Because God knows it's a race. Yes. He knows that it's a run. It's a marathon. It takes many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many steps to get where we need to be. And look, if you're measuring your life by where you're not, you're never going to get there. Yeah. The only person that's judging me is God. You're not judging me. You're not judging me. The only person that's judging me is God. And when I get there, he's going to judge me. Do I know the sins I've made?

6:13 Yes. And I'm trying, you know, I have to learn to forgive myself. And that's very hard to do. is to learn to forgive yourself. Yeah, I'm pretty open about my flaws. You know, Pastor Mark Green called me out in church one time because I wore a t -shirt. The front said, I'm not the man I'm supposed to be, right? The back said, but thank God I'm not who I used to be. You know what I mean? That's the point. I'm not who I used to be. Right, absolutely. Am I perfect? No. Am I far better than I was? Absolutely. A hundred percent. And so it's, it's about continuing on the path and continuing to grow and continuing to get better. So, but to answer your question, the reason that I pick certain scriptures is because it's either something that I read that impacted me or something that I was going on inside my mind or that I've been thinking about or a scripture I've been thinking about. That's good though. That's good to know. I always wonder how you get it. Cause every time I come in here or something, I'm like, yeah, that's how I start.

7:15 But yeah. Well, and I like to have the, the, bible open so that if there's something that he and i talk about or you and i talk about there's a scripture that i want to find i can go get it real quick you know what i mean um but yeah uh it's interesting man we finally got some rain yes good rain it was nice it was nice to sit outside and just watch it just pour it was just And I wasn't scared of the lightning. I liked sitting under something. A little farther back. It was nice. It destroyed my allergies the next day, I guess. It's just because it stirred stuff up. Pushed everything around. I started focusing on that sin consciousness. Why? Why can't I be better? Why can't I get past this thing? Why can't I do better than that? I've talked about it numerous, numerous times. Well, if you read that book, that whole thing, it explains exactly why. Because this thing right here is betraying you. Your flesh. You know what I mean? And you're trapped inside of it. It's funny because I remember when you and Jason talked about it, and it makes sense, your flesh. And I was like, that makes so much sense now that you leave your flesh behind.

8:40 And it's funny that... We talked about it on Sunday about my mom saying ashes, ashes. Someone was talking about it's a sin to be cremated. And I was like, I don't think so, Mom. So we talked about it and haven't really got to talk to her about it, but it's going to blow her mind. I'm telling you, it's going to blow her mind. That stuff is all wrapped up in traditionalism. And look, I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I will tell you there's another scripture in Romans that talks about We talked about this. Look, if you've decided that it's a sin, don't do it. You know what I mean? But don't convince someone else that it is a sin for you, right? Because they haven't, you know what I mean? Basically, what I feel like Paul was trying to say is every little thing is not a law. Every little thing in life is not a law. If you don't think it's right, don't do it. But don't convince someone else to don't do it. Or if you're doing something that someone else thinks is sinful or that they don't want to do, Don't try to convince them to do it. Right. You know what I mean? That's like trying to make them trip. Right. You know what I'm saying? So I think that's what it's trying to talk about is like, look, man, every single little action and activity in your life is not sin and death. Right. You know what I mean? It's if you don't think it's right, then don't. Yeah. Because if you're doing something that you don't think is right, you're sinning against yourself. Right. You know what I mean?

10:02 Absolutely. You're basically convincing yourself to do things wrong. Right. You know what I mean? There's some room there for people. We're all different. You know what I mean? Look, again, it's legalism. That's not what we're here for. This is relationship. It's not religion. It's not all about every single little law and following the law. Remember, there is no sacrifice for the... sins you've committed if you've already received Christ. That's the sacrifice. It's done. You can't go back to the old way. You can't go slaughter a cow and offer it to God and have that pay for your sins. The sin's already been paid. And now you're saying Christ's blood isn't valuable enough. Right. Why are you so uncomfortable?

10:55 Because you looked at me like I was crazy. I was like, I didn't say nothing. You didn't hear the conversation, I guess. I wasn't. Talking to you. Oh. You gave me the look like I was like. It's in the context of the conversation. Right. Terry, that's it. Right. I'm pointing a finger at you. Oh, OK. I'm saying that you're going to devalue God Christ's blood. Right. Say that his blood isn't valuable enough to pay for your sin. Right. And so because of that, I have to go back to an old system to pay for the penalty of my sin. Right. Right. And that's why. That guy, that gentleman was talking about in Hebrews 10, 26, that there is no willful sinning, that there is no sacrifice. It's not about that. It's not about the sin itself. It's about the idea that they want to continue to go backwards. Right.

11:49 Instead of looking forward to the cross. Yes. And that's the problem is everybody wants to go backwards and never forwards. It's just like ourselves begin with. Everybody always wants to go backwards and never forwards because we're scared. And the Bible is very scary anyway. It's very good. Well, it can be. Yeah, but you have to learn to have faith, the step of faith. Just move forward. Is it scary? Yes, but we all have to learn to be able to learn to it and learn the stuff. You know what I'm saying? We have to learn. To love the Bible. I mean, it's just something that you have to do. We're saved by grace through faith. Yes, absolutely. You have to. It's really that. Yes, but don't forget, these are, what do you call old people? Boomers.

12:45 They're older people. Well, yeah. And so they, like I said, they're. Okay, mind you, I came from the Church of Christ. Probably the older generation. It's the older generation and my mom. And she's getting better. I'm not saying she's... Yeah, but that's the thing, though. What you're talking about is an indictment on the church itself, and that's the problem that I've always had with the church. It's like you're using it as a tool to... manipulate people into your way of thinking yes which is opposed to what the bible tells us to do yes you know what i'm saying like it doesn't say okay so you my bible my word doesn't ever one time not one freaking time does it say do not cremate yeah it doesn't say that one time right but i'm excited for because she does ask questions now well good she does ask questions because she says hey you need to ask john this and i'm like oh okay Sure, absolutely ask John this, because she asks questions now.

13:42 She doesn't assume this anymore. She says, hey, I need you to ask John these things. I'm not talking about her specifically. I'm just saying somebody is taking something that they have come to think they understand, and they are manipulating it to say that I'm right. I'm right, and I know that this God does not want you to cremate. Look, if you're trying to tell me, that God cannot resurrect a cremated body, you don't know God's power. Right. Because now, again. He brought dry bones. You know what I'm saying? Remember what I said. Anytime what you're hearing is putting a limitation on what God can do, it's wrong.

14:26 It's wrong. Absolutely. Because God has no limits. He has no limits. None at all. Absolutely not. I don't know how to say it any simpler than that. I agree with you. I totally agree with you. It's just, it's just everybody. I mean, people do these things because they know that we're getting closer and closer and closer and that's, they don't want us to get closer. Yeah. I want us to wonder why it's just the arrogance of humanity. It's just the arrogance of people, why they feel like they have to have something that they can be right about. Like they just have to have something that they can be like, yeah, I'm right. And you're wrong. You know what I mean? Like that's instead of having a fluid way of, approaching life, like, you know, I don't think I'm right about everything.

15:11 I really don't. I know what I know. You know what I mean? But if I'm uncertain, I'm not going to stand on something like I know I'm right. You know what I mean? When I have questions, I always say, hey, I have a question. You're like, what's your question? And we talk about it. We have conversations about it. You have this. And I'm like, okay, well, then, you know. And then we'll look it up and we ask, you know. We look things up, which I like that about us because we do look things up and we talk about it, we discuss it. I like those conversations that we have, you know. Well, it's how we grow, right? And, again, we talk about that sin nature. And, like, you were talking about being at the bar last night at work and somebody hearing you cuss. It's interesting to me because now they're like, I wouldn't. They're surprised by that behavior, which is a flip as to oppose to a different time in your life whenever it was like a surprise that you were in church. Exactly. Yes, absolutely.

16:15 So that's 100 % an illustration of the difference between the person you were and the person you are. Right? You're not who you once were. And so while you're not perfect, you are a changed person. You're different. You're a new person, a new creation, doing new things, trying to follow after Christ. And yeah, is there more to do? Yes. And it's funny. I told him, I said, I go to church and my pastor told me. He goes, Terry's the only person I've known that can go to church and invite someone to our church. Go to church? Go to a bar and invite someone to church. And I said, yes. And this person still goes to church.

16:56 And I said, you know what? I'll go anywhere. I can go anywhere. I don't care where it's at and invite someone to church. I don't care where it's at. I can be in a bathroom and invite someone to church. I can go anywhere. I'm just that person. Yeah. I invite anybody to church. I can talk to a brick wall. I am my mother's child. My mom can talk to anybody. Yeah, you can. You know? But it's okay, you know? And even if they don't go, I'm going to plant that seed where it needs to be planted. And every time I see you, I'm going to be like, hey. Yeah. How are things going? How's life? How's this? Because, you know, when they see me again, they're going to go, oh, that's that lady. He prayed over me or that's that lady that, you know. Yeah. That's that lady. Yeah.

17:46 I don't. I'm not the kind of person that has that kind of. I don't stand. I don't think I stand out to people. Yes, you do. You stand out. Not in that way. You stand out, but not like that. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You stand out. You're a bold person to me. You're a very bold person. I'm that very, like, chatty person. Like, you know, I'm chatting. Don't discredit yourself. I think it takes a lot of boldness to, regardless of your situation, be like, oh, you should come to church. You know what I mean? Like, and, you know. You're probably going to get a lot of no's before you get any yes's. I'm okay with that. Yeah, I know. See, that's why you would be a good salesman. I'm not. If you tell me no, I'm like, peace. I'm like, what did you answer today? Because I got someone, like I said, I got someone to say actually yes to me the other day to serving. To serving, yeah. I been at him for a little bit. He's like, oh, no. No, but he actually served. He's serving now, but that's okay. It took me a little bit, but I got it. Yeah. So that talks into persistence, right? And I think that, okay, here's something for you. We've talked about years ago it came up whenever we were watching War Room. Years and years and years ago. I love that movie. Yeah.

19:12 God, it's been at least 10 years since we've talked about that. I want to watch the second one. Did we watch the second one? I don't know. Remember? Yeah, should we watch the second one where her son? I don't remember. Okay. I don't remember. I watched one about, it was a men's deal about Iron Sharpens Iron, but it was her son, but it wasn't a war room. It wasn't called war room. It led into war room. Yeah, but that old woman and the mom were in the beginning, and they were praying for her son or whatever, and he gets involved with this group of men, forged something. I can't remember what it's called. Oh. I watched a couple of scenes with my Bible study group, my men's group. I think it led into the second one. I don't remember what it was called. It doesn't matter. It was a good one. It dawned on me years ago when we were watching that movie about the persistence of the enemy. Right. And it, it shocked me in the moment to think about how persistent the enemy is fighting from a losing position. You know what I'm saying? The enemy has already been defeated. Yeah. It's done. There's no changing it. Right. But he's persistently fighting. Oh yeah. Why then are we not even more persistent?

20:41 fighting from a position of victory. That's true. You know what I mean? What is it about us that keeps us allowing the enemy to defeat us in moments, right? Grand scheme can't win because all he's trying to do is take every one of us down he can. He hates you. He hates God. He hates Jesus. He hates everything it stands for, right? He hates, period. He hates. that we even want to try to have a relationship with God. And he already knows he's lost, and yet he's still that persistent.

21:21 Why then are we not even more persistent knowing that we win? Because we get tired. We don't know how to just keep moving forward because we just lose like, just like we. We feel like we've lost the battle when we try to just, we slow down. Yeah. We don't know how to. I think every obstacle, let's say obstacle, that comes in our path becomes a deterrent, right? It becomes a negative to us. Like, I don't know. I'll just try to throw out a scenario. You know, you're. trucking along, you're doing, you feel like, you know, things are going well. You know what I mean? I'm in relationship with God. I'm getting better. I'm growing. And then something happens. You know, lose a job, car breaks down. I don't know. Name it. Lose somebody, lose a loved one, whatever.

22:24 And every time one of those little obstacles comes up, it like knocks us down. You know what I mean? Instead of continuing forward. At the same level we were already at, instead of continuing forward, we've got to go backwards. You know what I mean? We slide back to where we were. Maybe not all the way. Right. And maybe we don't have as far to climb this time. Right. And maybe that's just part of it because, you know, I would have to look it up, but there's a scripture that talks about even though we fail, we keep getting back up. You know what I mean? Every time we get knocked down, we get back up. And I guess getting back up is the whole point then. Maybe that's the point, but it just seems like every time some obstacle or some negative happens in life, we just instantly go, you know what I mean?

23:13 Like, why can't life always be good? Why do we always have to have obstacles? Why can't it just be easy? Because I think that's what it is, right? We want easy. I wish it was. I wish it was. You, me, and every other person on the planet. It's just like I was trying to explain to this guy. He goes, I got custody of my kids. I said, good. Discipline. Keep them where they need to be kept. Because our world right now is so crazy. And if we don't show our kids discipline, our world is just going to go downhill and downhill and downhill. Glad you got your kids. Yeah. Keep. Keep pressure and keep doing the things you're doing with your kids and love on them. And, dude, because when I was a kid, my mom, I'm not going to lie to you, my mom beat me. And you know what?

24:03 Am I a great kid? I consider and say I'm a good kid. I feel like I'm a great kid. But was I, you know, was my mom mean to me? Yes. Well, okay. You know, I mean. I was. Okay, hold on. I'm not talking about me, but what would make you so, what are the things that you did that were so bad? Well, I snuck out the window. It ain't that bad. Okay. I did that many times. Okay. I didn't sneak out. I did it so much, I got to a point I didn't sneak out anymore. I just walked out the front door. I know. I walked out the front door, boy. No, sir. No, sir. I sure did. No, sir. I am. Okay, by comparison, keep going. Because I snuck out the windows. I would drink and come home, and I thought my mom had, I don't know, that girl was a bastard. I could be at the front door, like up against the front door. You drink beer? I ain't chew gum. Red, or was it? Big red.

25:09 Big red. That stuff is pretty potent. Potent, yeah. And it was like three pieces. She still smells. Burning your mouth. Burning. She still smelled that. Perfume, you know. I mean, I don't do a whole lot of stuff. I mean, I didn't, you know. I don't know. I mean, she just. I can't tell you how many times I got taken home by the police. I never got taken home by the police. Good Lord, my mom never. No, my mom. So many times. So many times. Never arrested, but taken home. Just taken home by the cops. No. All kinds of things. My mom said, every time she whooped me, she goes, you call the cops on me? I wonder if she goes, go. Find someone else to live with.

25:51 I'm like, uh -uh. We didn't do that either. We stole street signs. No. My mom would, no. Dude, me. My mom probably would beat me with them. Me and two friends took the entire pole with the concrete and everything and walked like. 18 blocks in the middle of the night, just training, putting it on each other's shoulders. Dead serious, bro. Tell me it wasn't Scott. No, well, it wasn't Scott. We were friends at the time, but I think he was in Arkansas at the time. It was me, Joe, and a kid named Tony. Yeah, so, yeah. Dead serious, man. Middle of the freaking night. My mom probably would have buried me. There would probably have been no bones. My mom would have buried me. She would have buried me in the backyard. I remember the street names, but I'm not going to tell you.

26:47 I don't know that there's a statute of limitations on that. Yeah, let's not do that. That was 30 years ago. I wasn't a bad kid. I mean, I'm a little older than you, so there's a difference. I mean, I never did drugs or anything like that. We drank a little bit, but it wasn't. Well, okay, there's a difference, though. Your mom didn't do that stuff. True. You know what I mean? My mom did. She smoked weed, possibly some other things. She took pills for sure and drank for sure. But your mom worked all the time. My mom didn't work. My dad worked all the time. Right. My dad would go to his job, and then he would come home, put on his painter's outfit, and he would go and work with. Someone else who would paint there, and he would come home. If we had a game, he would go paint, go to our game, go back to paint. That's what he did. He worked all the time. My mom babysat. Oh, God. She would babysit some kids that were bad kids. That's why we didn't do a hula because she babysit some kids that were so bad. Yeah. You know, so, I mean, like I said, being bad, yeah, okay. I mean, when I got a little older, yes. I mean. Like when you became an adult. I mean, my last whooping, I was 18 years old. 17, 18. I wasn't living at home. I mean, I did something with someone, and she packed all my clothes in trash bags. Don't be all vague. You slept with somebody that she

28:19 was not happy you slept with. Yeah, and she threw all my stuff online. She'll say she didn't say that, but she did. Right, and she may not be that way today, but she was then. Yeah, but, like, again. I wanted to see what I could get away with. I don't know if I could get away with it. I wanted to see what I could get away with. And it was. It was not fun. And I had to live with my boss, and that was. I'm telling you what. God knew the things. The paths I went down, I think I needed to go down those paths. I think he made me realize. And I lived with my boss.

29:01 That was so bad. My boss was, and I watched her kids more. Yes. Some of the stuff she did, I was like, yeah. I don't know if you've ever, you've heard me say that, like, my boys saved my life. I mean, dead serious. If the pathway that I was on, had it continued on. there's no telling where I'd ended up. Right. But at 17, my first son was born and it changed my, it changed everything. Yeah. Right. Not that it made me a better person, but it gave me something to work for. Right. It gave me something to focus on. I have to take care of this thing. You know what I mean? I have to keep, make sure that it's taken care of. You know what I mean? So I couldn't just continue on the road I was on. Cause the road I was on was going to be, it was dangerous.

29:45 That saved your life. Well, I mean, he was the first. Now he's fixing to have a baby, so hopefully they can, like, end. I could tell you that, like, I don't know where it would have gone had I not had him. It still wasn't all that great for a long time, but I was on a path that I probably would have ended up either in prison or dead. That was crazy. It's stupid. Some of the stuff you tell me, I'm like, ooh. Stupid stuff. I was the guy. I was that guy. You tell me, like, I have a lot of friends, man. People don't, I don't know. I've always been like this, right? I'm not the kind of, I'm not the most. And it's funny because, like I said, we should cross paths, you know, because you knew some of the people that, you know. I'm not the most likable person.

30:44 It's been that way forever. And so I didn't have a lot of friends. And the friends I did have. some of them anyway, some of the friend groups I had, I was the guy. I was the one that was like, hey, John, could you do that? Yep. Yeah. You know what I mean? And I do stupid crap, dude. Beyond that, the substances, right? Like I never really got too far off into drugs. I drank, but I didn't really do a whole lot, and I smoked, but I never did a whole lot of other stuff. You know what I mean? A lot of that had to do with the fact that I had an out. Yeah. Hey, I can't. I got to go. You know what I mean? I got to go. I got a wife. I got a kid. You know what I mean? Yeah. And so that probably protected me from myself in a lot of ways. But I'm telling you, like, violence and substances, those are the two things that that's the path that I was on.

31:34 And it would have gotten, I can only imagine it would have gotten worse. Right. Right. Had I not had Seth and then Aiden. Right. And then. How far apart Aiden and Seth? They're. They're like Irish twins, like 18 months. Oh, damn. I mean, I can't say that. Maybe it's 20 months. I think Shelby and Casey are 21 months apart. They're not, they're pretty, I mean. So he, Seth was born in January of 99. Aiden was August of 2000, so something like that. Yeah. Did you like them that close together? 98, 99. It wasn't by... I mean, yeah, you're right. It wasn't intentional.

32:17 Right, I get it. And had we not lost the baby in between, then that third one would have been close to Aiden too. Joseph ended up being roughly four years apart from Aiden because of that. You know what I'm saying? It's so funny that they're so close right now because I'm like... Right now, they're just so close. They're friends. They're so funny. That day, they were like, ooh. Is this how it always is with y 'all? And I'm like, y 'all are wearing me out. I was like, y 'all always talk like that? He's like, I'm like, I mean, I was surprised he was taking up for John. I was like, I never really liked John.

33:00 I don't know that he never likes John. I just don't think he ever spent a lot of time around him. But at the end of the day, Aiden's pretty hard on John. Yeah, he is. For sure. But I think John needs it, though. Yeah, that's who he is. But I get it, you know. But, yeah, I don't even like thinking about it because I can only imagine the direction that it would have gone if I hadn't. And, again, just because I had the kids doesn't mean it had to change my life. It did because it motivated me to be different, right? Like I knew I couldn't. I know Aiden always tells you, Dad, how did you do it? And he's like, you're like, oh, man, what do you mean? Like, what are you talking about? I don't know. Do what? I don't know. You make it look easy. He's like, I'm glad you think I make it look easy because it was not easy. No. Having kids and you were going to school at the time when I met you, going to school and having a full -time job, that's hard.

33:56 Yeah. I was. So. My first son was born when I was 17. We separated when I was 29, like right before my 30th birthday. I moved out on Valentine's Day. Dang. Happy Valentine's Day. Heart to you. 2010. 2010. And so Seth would have been 12. Aiden would have been around 10. Joseph around 6 or 7. And yeah. They stayed with her at first. She was still in Canyon at that point. She lived in Canyon still, right? And then whenever it took that one summer, it was that one summer that, you know, Aiden decided he wasn't down for what was happening. He only bowed when he was like, I don't want this. And then as soon as he did, the other two did. And I think it took like two weeks. We did opposite where I kept Aiden during the week. The other two on the weekend. Yeah. Which was kind of nice because it lowered the stimulation just a little bit.

35:05 Yeah. And then, I mean, it didn't take long. Then the other two were like, can we just be on the same schedule as Aiden? And that's it. And I had them from that point forward. I remember that because she, because, is it Kenny Ray was his name? I remember you throwing the football because I was driving by one day and y 'all were throwing the football, you were throwing the football in front. And his house. And I was like, that's John and Aiden. That little kid with long hair and those big old ears. Yeah, I remember the first time. And you and I weren't really even talking yet. But, like, I don't know. You would see me. I would never see you. I would saw you. You're like a black. You and your big old beard. It's smaller than it is now. It was nice and fluffy. But I remember you saying you saw me at Walmart. I don't know if that was Mother's Day or something like that. It was Mother's Day.

36:01 It was off of Ross right there. Yeah, or Grand. Oh. Grand, Walmart. Yes, it was Grand. And that was when I was seeing Jennifer, and we were going to her. Her apartment was right behind there. Oh, yeah. That's where we were at. That was really. I know, because your kids looked at me like. Who's that? Who's that? Who's talking? I mean, your kids are still like that today. Like, who are they? Who are you talking to? I mean, they don't. They're not social anyway, so it's weird because they don't like, you know. They're getting better, honestly. Aiden's getting really better. You know, but my family's a little from around my mother anyway. You know, so it's like, you know. They don't talk a lot anyway, so it's like.

36:50 When your kids are talking, they're just like, don't talk to us, you know? Yeah. Golly, that's crazy. I don't even know why we were talking about all that, but just talking through the process of whatever, you know, all the things, man. That's the second moment in my life that, you know, I guess multiple times, if I really reflected back on life, I could find God in it.

37:31 You know what I mean? I can too. Like I was telling people at the bar, you know, I've always had God in my life to begin with, but God's put me in places that I needed to go through these things to get to where I am today. And my life today is way better than... I needed to go. I mean, if I would have, we would have met then. I don't think we, I mean, I'm not saying we wouldn't be together. We would be together, but I had to go through these things to be able to get where I am today. I can't say that it would, or we would, because it would be completely different. Oh, yeah, absolutely. You know what I mean? We would be completely different people. I think we're way powerful today than we were five years ago. And through what? Through the struggle, through the trial, through the pain, through the, you know what I mean? Everything, yeah.

38:14 I mean, struggle is real, but we have to learn to be able to put God in our lives first, and we have to learn to just, like we've been talking about, go forward. Keep walking forward and love God where he's at today. We have to love Jesus where he's at because he's there for us, and that's it, you know? I remember the day I discovered that. It was God first, then children, or then spouse, then children. I didn't know that. That's crazy. Because I tell everybody that all the time now, you know, that you have to be able to put God, your wife, and the family. And some people are still not like that today. They're like, no, my kids. And I'm like, okay, then if you're going to do that, then, you know. You're putting your children in a place they don't belong.

39:04 Yeah, because you have to learn to be able to. The truth of the matter is, is like your children are going to leave you. Yeah. That's even scriptural. It's funny because you told your kids that, you know, y 'all are going to leave and I have to love someone. I don't want to be lonely. We're not meant to be alone. We're not designed to be alone. We're designed to have a partner. We have to love. We have to learn to love, you know. But we're not designed to be by ourselves. Life is struggle. On our own, it's hard. Harder. Harder. Right? And that's why two people back to back can fight off a horde. You know what I mean? But one by itself gets crushed. Because we're not meant to do this alone. That's why whenever God created Eve, he said it's not good for man to be alone. We're not meant to be alone. We're meant to have a partner. A partner. Not a slave.

39:56 A partner. You know what I'm saying? And your children are not that. They're going to go off and they're going to do their own thing. Right. Right. And live their own life. And so if you're putting your children's happiness before your spouse's, you're going to it's going to fall apart. I promise you. Yeah. Because then when they do leave, you have no idea how to make your spouse happy. Exactly. And this is me. I'm telling you right now. I there's no way I could not. I could not sit at home doing that. I just can't. I have to be doing something like I don't mind sitting on couch with you. And that's different. But to just be alone. I don't, I can't. You would never be at home. You would never be at home ever. I'm just saying, I could not just be alone.

40:40 I just could not. Yeah, I can be alone to a point. And I can, well, not anymore because of you. If I have a choice to be alone or be with you, I'm going to pick you every time. Well, yes, absolutely. Right? And if I didn't have you, I can handle being alone for a while. You know what I mean? But I will get lonely. You know what I'm saying? My dad and I, all of us are similar in that way. We kind of like being alone. But I'm not the kind of person that's going to want to be alone permanently. You know what I mean? I couldn't imagine just coming home to an empty house all by myself. Every single day.

41:22 And we have the dogs, but, I mean, that's a little different. And, yeah, that's companion. Companionship. Not the same. You need a little bit more. You know what I mean? I totally understand. I need a little bit more. And not just the sexual stuff. It's just the touch. It's more. It's companionship. It's love. It's touch. It's talk. It's that intimacy between each other in conversation. you know, laughing at each other over our stupidity and, you know, sometimes getting mad at each other over our stupidity. Because if you don't fight, you're not growing. Sorry. I can sit here and say it all day long. You got to learn to fight to be able to grow. I don't like fighting with you. I do. I love fighting with you. I know you do. I'm just kidding. Pick fights with me. I don't. I'm just kidding. Well, and it's because of my low self -esteem and my fear of, because everybody I've always loved, ever loved, has always gone away. You know what I mean? I'm terrified of that. It's a, it's a thing. You know what I mean? I'm afraid to every single fight is going to be the last fight. Right. You know what I mean? And I don't, it's hard to have confidence that that's not going to happen. Right. You know what I mean? It's hard to be like, because I think that having that, having that kind of confidence can be, or like that it will make you take it for granted even further. Right. Right. Because it's like, She's not going to leave me anyway.

42:47 If there's no fear of that, then you know what I'm saying? What's to correct my behavior? It's no different than heaven and hell, right? If there's no hell, if there is no existence of darkness, then why would you chase the light? You know what I'm saying? So it is kind of having that lack of confidence in a way is a positive, don't get me wrong, but it also can be very negative because You dwell on those things. You know what I mean? And whenever we do get in a fight, I can't get over it. I'm over whatever you've done. It's me that I can't get over. I'm the one just tired. Just kidding. It's the most frustrating thing in the world. I know. Just kidding. And I hate that it's so easy to just kind of shut it off for you. It does. Like I said, I was with a person that I had to learn to just shut it off. Right. It was just one of those things.

43:47 Yeah, but see, that's where it's so difficult for us because I'm like, I can't just shut it off. I have to be able to come to some sort of a resolution. I just learned to shut it off. I was like, yep, if I don't sleep, it just gets worse for me because I had to learn to shut it off. Oh, that makes me want to be violent. Yes, I know. I'm sorry. I just was like, all right. Yes, I know. I know. I'm sorry. But like I said. Never at you. At least, but I don't think I've ever told you that either. I think I know that without you really saying it because I understand the dynamic. I understand some of the things. I remember, oh God, that was one of the worst days of my life. That fight that you and I had.

44:32 And it really wasn't even that serious. I wasn't even touching you. But you were like hiding it with your face against the wall. And I'm like, what is wrong with you? Like, I am not going to hurt you. That was an eye -opener. Yes. Not in a good way either. I've gotten over that. We've been together 15 years, and I'm telling you, I've overcome a lot of that. A lot of that. Well, I mean, you were in some scary places being treated. Very poorly. In not very good ways and not with respect. And look, I'm not always respectful either. Way more respectful than I was treated.

45:15 But if that's the bar, you know what I'm saying? Then I'm not shooting very high, right? To me, you deserve to be treated at the highest level, right? Like a queen, you deserve to be treated like a queen. That's what you deserve. I don't always meet that bar, right? Probably more often than not, I don't meet that bar, right? At the same time, it goes both ways. We both deserve to be treated with the highest, utmost respect. Some people will talk about things needing to be earned. Well, if that's the case, I'm never going to measure up. It's like God's grace. I'm never going to measure up. I can't earn it. At some point, you have to humble yourself and be like, I'm just going to do it anyway. And watch how it changes. You know what I'm saying? Control you. Quit trying to control them. Control you.

46:16 And regardless of what they do or how they do it, do what you're supposed to do. Pray with them. Pray for them. Be respectful of them. Give them kindness and love. And watch how they change. I might have said this one already. What do you call a baby potato? A baby potato? I don't know. A small fry. I can see it. I think this one kind of encompasses a little bit of what we were talking about here, especially down the end, towards the end of Seneca. To be happy, you must eliminate two things. The fear of a bad future and the memory of a bad past. So good. It's so true, though. 100%. 100%. It really kind of does encircle a lot of that conversation, especially down the stretch. And this has been a very weird episode today, a lot of distractions, a lot of difficult things. And it's the schedule all being off and everything like that, this being a holiday and all that kind of stuff, and some phone calls and things like that. You know, it is what it is. I would be really interested in how this turns out here in a week or so. It's okay. We got this. You know, to me, everything is about

47:48 consistency and commitment, right? Absolutely. If you are consistent with your commitment, it will change. You're not going to be perfect. You're never going to reach perfect. Absolutely not. You're not trying to reach perfect. You're just trying to be better today than you were yesterday. Yes, absolutely. Yes. That's all we can do. All we're doing is moving forward. And we're moving forward with God. And that's all that matters. And that's all you have to be doing is a step forward. That's it. That's all I can do. That's all I can focus on. All I can focus on is me. And love you the best I can. And not just hope that it's enough. You know what I mean? Because if I'm loving you the way I'm supposed to, the way I know I'm supposed to, then it will be enough. It will be enough. And I love you.

48:32 Well, I love you too. More than anything. Anyway, we love you guys. Thank you for taking the time to listen to us. If you have anything or comments, questions, whatever, you know how to reach us. We've got email, social, TikTok, YouTube, whatever. Come check us out. Let us know what you need from us, how we can pray for you. If you have questions for us, reach out. We'd love to. Come into community with you and be a part of the circle that is a positive force in your life instead of the negative ones. Remember, show me your friends and I'll show you your future.

49:15 Amen. Thank you very much. Peace out.